Monday, December 22, 2008

Christmas Plans

Kyle and I went to Indianapolis on Saturday to celebrate Christmas with his mom’s side of the family. We had a fun time, exchanging gifts and playing games. We had been up there 3 weeks before, celebrating Thanksgiving, so I feel like I'm getting to know my new family. Since we’re leaving tomorrow for Tulsa, we decided to have our own little Christmas yesterday. We slept in (‘till 9am!), opened presents, made waffles, and went to the movies. It was fun to be able to celebrate with just the two of us.

Kyle is the answer to so many prayers and I’m excited to be celebrating our first Christmas together. We’re leaving when we get off work tomorrow, and will drive halfway to Tulsa and get there on Christmas Eve! Yay for Christmas, Yay for family! Yay for Tulsa! I’m so excited.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008


I am a person who likes to have my ducks in a row.
I even like to have other people’s ducks in a row.
But I’ve found that God is a duck-kicker.

I have had my ducks kicked a lot. Please don’t misunderstand me: I’m not saying that God kicks our ducks out of malice or as a show of power. God is a God of love, not a mischievous or cruel god who has nothing better to do than to screw around with people’s lives. I think it is a sign of God’s sheer love for us that he intervenes and kicks our ducks in the first place. Sometimes I wonder how many times God has saved me by kicking my ducks. I can name a few times that I’m aware of and can guess that there are hundreds more that I’m unaware of. I am beginning to understand what King Solomon meant when he said, “In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps.”

Instead of spending my time trying to be in control of everyone and everything, I want to be a person who greets each day with child-like wonder- expecting God to do great things. I’m trying to reprogram my mind to be thankful. To be grateful for every day that I have and for everything that happens in the day. Not like, “Thank you, God- it’s awesome that my car broke down on the side of the road and I slammed my thumb in the filing cabinet at work,” but learning to see God in everything, or at least trust that He is working behind the scenes.

God has proved his faithfulness over and over in my life. He has shown me that I can trust him & trust his plans, whether I understand them or not.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Bubble Bath

I was going to write the obligatory post election blog but I don’t have it in me. I don’t think I have anything worth adding. It has been disappointing to see people acting hateful and I pray that God will show us grace, despite the lack of grace that we extend to others.

I have been feeling worse the last few days than I have in my life, which is saying a lot. One of these days it will be better but the meantime has been a rough road... I took a bubble bath worthy of Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman after work today. Sir Barton (The Cat) is fascinated with bubble baths so he keeps me company, perched on the side of the tub. He learned two weeks ago that he cannot walk on the bubbles, so he is content to sit and paw at the bubbles and ponder the meaning of life.

We have an event in Tulsa on Tuesday that I am covering for work, and I’m flying out on Saturday to spend a few extra days. My mom is meeting me out there, so it’s going to be fabulous! I love that woman and haven’t seen her since The Wedding so I’m really looking forward to some QT. It will be my first time away from Kyle since we got married so I wonder how it will go. Neither of us are very clingy and I think it will be fine but I wish he could come with me.

Monday, November 3, 2008

I hit that place in my blog-life where I don’t feel like I have anything post-worthy and it only took two posts! There are mountains of topics filling up my head and I try to sort through them, seeing what might be worth posting. I tend to vacillate between being too flighty and too weighty and have not found a safe middle ground.

A topic that is a continual thread, woven into the fabric of my life, is that of chronic illness. Such funny words, they sound so heavy and foreign. But I have had lived with chronic illness for the past fourteen years and it effects and permeates every area of my life. As I have gone back to proof read this post, I realize that it has been fifteen years, but since that sounds too long, I’ll keep it at fourteen, like the women who turn 39 every birthday.

Through the peaks and valleys, I have learned to live with sickness, but it is not something I have ever gotten used to, like getting used to a new haircut. It is always there, always new, and always different.

The first ten years were tumultuous to say the least. I think it’s mostly because no one can see my sickness like they can see a deformity or see someone suffering from Chicken Pox. And since we live in a world where seeing is believing, it is hard for people to see or believe that I am sick, no matter how much they want to.

The people closest to me (Mom & Kyle) understand me the best, but I know that even they can never know exactly what it’s like, just like I will never know what it’s like to be colorblind. It is a completely different ballgame when you are the one experiencing the situation.

Now, I don’t write this for pity. There are a lot of people out there deserving of pity, and I am not one of them. I am blessed beyond my wildest dreams with a husband who loves me, family around the country who would drop everything to help me if I needed it, food on the table, a job that pays the bills, a fat cat who is nice most of the time, and friends who laugh at my attempts at humor.

I think I write this just to get it out of my head. I keep writing more and deleting it in an effort to prevent this from becoming too wah wah for a Monday morning. Maybe some day I’ll write more about my fears or what it feels like being sick. But not today. The sun is out and it’s warm for a November morning. And I am thankful.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Enjoy Life

My mom and I went out to California to stay with my grandpa when he was dying of cancer four years ago. His last coherent words with me are etched in my brain and on my heart. I expected him to advise me on spiritual matters, as he had been a pastor for 50+ years. I expected him to tell me to read my Bible more, work harder, pray more, do more. Instead, he said, “Courtney, enjoy life.” Enjoy Life.

Grandpa somehow knew what I needed to hear. And it wasn’t a rant on needing to try harder and do better. He knew that I do enough of that. That I wear my shoulders like earrings, always tense, never relaxed. That I try to police the universe, and I worry about what strangers think of me. What’s this about enjoying life?!

As I have mulled over his words for months and years now, I have wondered what it means to enjoy life. How does one go about enjoying life? Are there steps to follow in order, or do you just do it in one big hurdle? And should the word "hurdle" really be associated with enjoying life? I don’t think so.

I understand that we all have responsibilities but I want to learn how to live my life, staying accountable to the things I must do, and at the same time Enjoy Life. It’s not like I don’t enjoy life. I enjoyed picking apples and making billions of apple pies, apple cakes, apple anything and everything. I enjoy spending time with our new friends from church. I really enjoy Thursdays when The Office and 30 Rock are on.

But I think it’s more than that. It’s something deep inside that needs to change. And unfortunately, I haven’t found the switch to flip. So I am journeying to try and get the most out of this life. The most out of today. Tomorrow is too far away to worry about. So I take baby steps today and I hope to somehow spread joy and hope to the people I rub shoulders with.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Baby's First Blog

As my 28th birthday approaches, I've decided it's high time I started a blog. Of course, I've had my reservations: who would want to read what I write, what if I don't keep up with it? But I've thrown caution to the wind and created a blog.

The title of my blog is In the Meantime, which has been a theme for my life the past few years. Along with most Americans, I have the propensity to always be looking forward to what is next in my life and I don’t appreciate where I am right now.

As it goes, we can’t wait to get out of high school and go on to college. We rush through college, eager to enter the “real world.” We feel like we won’t be happy until we’re married. And then on to fulfillment through kids, a good job, a better job, or fill in the blank: whatever it is that will make our lives complete. But what would happen if we found ourselves complete in the meantime? How would our lives look if we found meaning and fulfillment and purpose in our everyday activities, tasks, and responsibilities? How would my life look if I found meaning and fulfillment and purpose in my everyday activities, tasks, and responsibilities?

I find myself living in a perpetual 'meantime' in so many ways. This blog will document my journey of living in the meantime.