Well, I’m 38 ½ weeks pregnant and didn’t think I’d still be pregnant. Since I’ve been dilated, effaced, and having contractions for 3 weeks, I was pretty sure Baby was going to be making his debut sooner. The last 3 weeks were rough for me emotionally and I’m not entirely sure why. I am just tired and sore and feeling out of sorts.
Something that bothers me that I will have to remember when friends and family members are pregnant is that people keep telling me when I can and can’t have the baby. Everyone keeps saying, “oh, you can’t have him on ___ day because I’ll be out of town” or “you have to have him on ___ day, I just know you will.” For some reason, that has become really irritating and I think its because I actually take it to heart and start to stress out when the day comes that I’m either supposed to or not supposed to go into labor. I think its time to turn off the people pleaser side of my personality.
I’ve been stewing again about having an epidural or not. My whole life I’ve said I don’t want to have one. Billions of women have had babies without medication. Epidurals can slow down labor and are linked with an increased chance of having to have a c-section, which are two reasons I don’t want one. But then I start wondering if I’ll really be able to do it without an epi. I have fibromyalgia and worry that I’ll just lose steam and not be able to finish. I feel like there isn’t a right answer and am praying that I’ll just know what’s right when the time comes. Just don’t tell me that I “don’t get a medal” for doing it without an epi. I’m not doing it for a medal so leave me alone (can you tell I’ve heard that one a lot?)
Wow, this entry has turned into a rant. I’m really not as bitter as I may have come across. I’m just tired and want to meet this kid!
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Monday, April 4, 2011
Enjoy Life
The last coherent words my grandpa spoke to me were, "enjoy life." I don't remember if I have blogged about it before but my mom and I went out to CA to help take care of him as he was dying from cancer. The last time I saw him sitting up was at their dining room table. He told me he had one piece of advice for me. I was expecting him to suggest reading my Bible more or something along those lines (he was, after all, a pastor for 50+ years). But he simply told me, "Courtney, I want you to enjoy life."
Of all the things he could have said, this was probably the most profound for me. He knew that I tend to major in the minors, get bogged down with details, and take myself too seriously at times. I've spent the last few years trying to figure out what it means to enjoy life (and still be responsible- ha!).
I've been teetering on the edge of enjoying life with this pregnancy, especially in the last few days and weeks. I am so excited to meet this little guy and I love him so much. But I feel so crappy and experience moments of anxiety. This baby is wedged in there pretty tight and is sitting in a "transverse" position (side to side instead of up and down). So, even though I've been having contractions since Thursday, nothing's going to happen until he shifts. And then I start to worry about what will happen if he does shift and I go into labor early. This baby has got to bake a little longer! I have decided to stop looking up stuff on the internet about transverse babies because I start thinking about it too much.
I want to enjoy these last few weeks of pregnancy. How do I do that when I feel awful? I have this amazing miracle growing inside of me and I want to celebrate it but I find myself feeling guilty. Guilty that I can't make him turn, that I can't stand for more than two minutes without getting light headed and seeing spots. Guilty that I can't do the dozens of things around the house that "need" to get done before he comes. I don't know how to turn that part of my brain off. Kyle has been so good with all of this and has been really strict with making me rest, which is the only way I actually sit down and rest.
Where is the balance of savoring these last few weeks of "in the meantime" before Liam comes? I want to make the most of it but that's as far as I've gotten. I want a different perspective, but I don't know what the first step is.
Of all the things he could have said, this was probably the most profound for me. He knew that I tend to major in the minors, get bogged down with details, and take myself too seriously at times. I've spent the last few years trying to figure out what it means to enjoy life (and still be responsible- ha!).
I've been teetering on the edge of enjoying life with this pregnancy, especially in the last few days and weeks. I am so excited to meet this little guy and I love him so much. But I feel so crappy and experience moments of anxiety. This baby is wedged in there pretty tight and is sitting in a "transverse" position (side to side instead of up and down). So, even though I've been having contractions since Thursday, nothing's going to happen until he shifts. And then I start to worry about what will happen if he does shift and I go into labor early. This baby has got to bake a little longer! I have decided to stop looking up stuff on the internet about transverse babies because I start thinking about it too much.
I want to enjoy these last few weeks of pregnancy. How do I do that when I feel awful? I have this amazing miracle growing inside of me and I want to celebrate it but I find myself feeling guilty. Guilty that I can't make him turn, that I can't stand for more than two minutes without getting light headed and seeing spots. Guilty that I can't do the dozens of things around the house that "need" to get done before he comes. I don't know how to turn that part of my brain off. Kyle has been so good with all of this and has been really strict with making me rest, which is the only way I actually sit down and rest.
Where is the balance of savoring these last few weeks of "in the meantime" before Liam comes? I want to make the most of it but that's as far as I've gotten. I want a different perspective, but I don't know what the first step is.
Friday, April 1, 2011
progress
Well, it seems as though things are progressing. I have been having cramps since last Thursday and the nurse just said to drink more water and rest. I woke up Monday and they were worse. My regular appointment was scheduled for Tuesday and my doctor was out of town so I met with another doctor. He said the cramps would stop in about 6 weeks when I have the baby. Nice.
But then I woke up at 2am yesterday, feeling what I could only imagine to be contractions. I went in to my doctor and he said they were, indeed, contractions (which was a relief because I would have been embarrassed if he said it was nothing!) and that I’m dilated to 1cm and 70% effaced. He said before I panic, it doesn’t necessarily mean I’ll go into hard labor any time soon, but that I’m progressing. He didn’t give me any medicine to stop the contractions and said Liam would be fine even if he came this early (he’s measuring 5 pounds, 12 ounces- about 1 pound bigger than “average.”).
I was trying to run errands today, still trying to figure out what it means to “rest”. I was at Ulta because my coupon expires today and started getting cold sweats and ringing in my ears. I got tunnel vision and an employee came up at just the right time to catch me as I was going down. She walked me to a chair and I started throwing up (she got me a trashcan just in time!). It was hard not to freak out but I called Kyle to come get me and called the doctor’s office. The nurse called back and told me just to go home and rest, drink water, and eat protein.
So, that’s what I’m doing. Resting. Drinking water. Mom’s bringing over lunch. I can’t wait to meet Liam and part of me wants him to come early. But we have SO MUCH to do before he comes! Kyle is trying to finish the bathroom remodel and I have 3 big assignments left for my online class that I’m trying to get done before he comes. The last one is due May 20, which is why I’m trying to get this all done now!
Its so funny how I’m seeing how hard it is to relax and rest. I’m learning a lot about myself and how controlling I am!
But then I woke up at 2am yesterday, feeling what I could only imagine to be contractions. I went in to my doctor and he said they were, indeed, contractions (which was a relief because I would have been embarrassed if he said it was nothing!) and that I’m dilated to 1cm and 70% effaced. He said before I panic, it doesn’t necessarily mean I’ll go into hard labor any time soon, but that I’m progressing. He didn’t give me any medicine to stop the contractions and said Liam would be fine even if he came this early (he’s measuring 5 pounds, 12 ounces- about 1 pound bigger than “average.”).
I was trying to run errands today, still trying to figure out what it means to “rest”. I was at Ulta because my coupon expires today and started getting cold sweats and ringing in my ears. I got tunnel vision and an employee came up at just the right time to catch me as I was going down. She walked me to a chair and I started throwing up (she got me a trashcan just in time!). It was hard not to freak out but I called Kyle to come get me and called the doctor’s office. The nurse called back and told me just to go home and rest, drink water, and eat protein.
So, that’s what I’m doing. Resting. Drinking water. Mom’s bringing over lunch. I can’t wait to meet Liam and part of me wants him to come early. But we have SO MUCH to do before he comes! Kyle is trying to finish the bathroom remodel and I have 3 big assignments left for my online class that I’m trying to get done before he comes. The last one is due May 20, which is why I’m trying to get this all done now!
Its so funny how I’m seeing how hard it is to relax and rest. I’m learning a lot about myself and how controlling I am!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)