Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Grumpy Hobbit

I have been surprised at how much of an introvert I’ve become since Liam was born. Well, it might have actually started a few months before he was born. I didn’t really go through a “nesting” phase, but I did start wanting to just be home. This is new to me because I’m usually looking for the next fun thing to do and always find excuses to leave the house, even if its just to go to Target. But something shifted and I’m finding myself loving my time with my little family and not having much of a desire to socialize.

This new disposition has come with its share of consequences and I continually feel like I’m disappointing my friends when I don’t reach out. A dear friend recently had a baby and we’ve e-mailed a whole lot but I have only talked to her once on the phone. Its like I can’t bring myself to interact. It doesn’t feel like post-partum depression or anything, I don’t feel depressed at all, I just don’t feel like talking to people! This is especially true because I’m “on” a lot at work, particularly on Sundays. After smiling and running around and hugging kids and giving the lesson, I’m ready to crawl in a hole with my family by the time I get home.

I think one of the reasons for the way I feel is that I want to just soak up every second with Liam. I waited a long time for this little guy and love every second with him, every kiss, every smile (and he smiles a lot!), his little toes, his fat little tummy, the way he flaps his arms when I unwrap him after a nap. I can’t get enough of him! My heart swells when I think about how much I love him. Another reason I think I’m content at home is because it takes a lot of work to get out! Just timing Liam’s feedings, naps, bedtime, etc. is exhausting when you’re trying to fit it in to an outing. It makes you reevaluate if you really want to leave the house or not!

I’m afraid this post is sounding like I’ve become a grumpy hobbit. I hope I haven’t. Its just that I’ve noticed how much more content I am at home when I used to look for reasons to get out of the house and play with friends.

Friday, July 1, 2011

daily bread

Yesterday was a rough day. I woke up at 5:23 to feed Liam for the nineteenth time that night (ok, it was really the third) and just felt like I weighed 1,000 pounds. You know that kind of tired where you feel like you’re moving in slow motion and you just want to sit in a puddle and cry? It was that kind of tired. The thought of a whole day of nursing every two or three hours, changing diapers and taking 20-30 minutes to put Liam down for a nap each time was overwhelming. By the time I finish the process, its time to start over!

Anyway, I usually talk to God or get on Facebook when I’m nursing. This time I was talking to God. I asked him to give me grace for the day. I asked for my daily bread. But then I thought about it and I was afraid my allotment of daily bread would not be enough. I always like to be prepared and have more than what I think I’ll need, no matter what it is I think I’ll need. I never leave the house without at least a granola bar. And I was afraid I wouldn’t have enough to make it though the day if God just gave me my daily bread. You know I’m not talking about literal bread, right?

I knew that I was being ridiculous when it came down to it. I was telling the God who owns “the cattle on a thousand hills” that I didn’t think he was going to provide enough grace to make it through a couple of hours of nursing and changing diapers. Didn’t I remember that my God is bigger than that? I forget so quickly.

Another reason I was feeling like I was at the end of my rope is that my sleep hasn’t been very good lately. Aside from the not getting more than 2 hours of sleep in a row, ever, I’ve had a really hard time falling asleep and when I do sleep, I’ve been having nightmares almost every night. I used to have nightmares throughout college and for a couple of years after. They got a lot better for the last few years but cropped up again after Liam was born. Maybe its just the extra concern I have now that I’m responsible for this child, I don’t know.

My mom called twice yesterday and I just happened to be crying both times- ha! I ended up going over to their house in the afternoon and had a nice time, eating strawberries and laying on the couch while she sopped up Liam with a biscuit. She prayed with me about the sleep, the nightmares, my family’s future and a whole lot more. I even prayed, too. I haven’t prayed out loud much lately and there is something powerful when you say some things out loud. I left her house feeling so much better. I was full from my daily bread.