Monday, April 4, 2011

Enjoy Life

The last coherent words my grandpa spoke to me were, "enjoy life." I don't remember if I have blogged about it before but my mom and I went out to CA to help take care of him as he was dying from cancer. The last time I saw him sitting up was at their dining room table. He told me he had one piece of advice for me. I was expecting him to suggest reading my Bible more or something along those lines (he was, after all, a pastor for 50+ years). But he simply told me, "Courtney, I want you to enjoy life."

Of all the things he could have said, this was probably the most profound for me. He knew that I tend to major in the minors, get bogged down with details, and take myself too seriously at times. I've spent the last few years trying to figure out what it means to enjoy life (and still be responsible- ha!).

I've been teetering on the edge of enjoying life with this pregnancy, especially in the last few days and weeks. I am so excited to meet this little guy and I love him so much. But I feel so crappy and experience moments of anxiety. This baby is wedged in there pretty tight and is sitting in a "transverse" position (side to side instead of up and down). So, even though I've been having contractions since Thursday, nothing's going to happen until he shifts. And then I start to worry about what will happen if he does shift and I go into labor early. This baby has got to bake a little longer! I have decided to stop looking up stuff on the internet about transverse babies because I start thinking about it too much.

I want to enjoy these last few weeks of pregnancy. How do I do that when I feel awful? I have this amazing miracle growing inside of me and I want to celebrate it but I find myself feeling guilty. Guilty that I can't make him turn, that I can't stand for more than two minutes without getting light headed and seeing spots. Guilty that I can't do the dozens of things around the house that "need" to get done before he comes. I don't know how to turn that part of my brain off. Kyle has been so good with all of this and has been really strict with making me rest, which is the only way I actually sit down and rest.

Where is the balance of savoring these last few weeks of "in the meantime" before Liam comes? I want to make the most of it but that's as far as I've gotten. I want a different perspective, but I don't know what the first step is.

1 comment:

care said...

maybe you've already made the first step--knowing that you want it.

I'm no expert, but I think that enjoying life isn't something you accomplish--it's a state of mind. And if you're reveling in the awesome whenever you have the chance, I think that's all you can ask of yourself. :)

I love your grandpa's instructions to you. It's something we should all do.