Friday, July 1, 2011

daily bread

Yesterday was a rough day. I woke up at 5:23 to feed Liam for the nineteenth time that night (ok, it was really the third) and just felt like I weighed 1,000 pounds. You know that kind of tired where you feel like you’re moving in slow motion and you just want to sit in a puddle and cry? It was that kind of tired. The thought of a whole day of nursing every two or three hours, changing diapers and taking 20-30 minutes to put Liam down for a nap each time was overwhelming. By the time I finish the process, its time to start over!

Anyway, I usually talk to God or get on Facebook when I’m nursing. This time I was talking to God. I asked him to give me grace for the day. I asked for my daily bread. But then I thought about it and I was afraid my allotment of daily bread would not be enough. I always like to be prepared and have more than what I think I’ll need, no matter what it is I think I’ll need. I never leave the house without at least a granola bar. And I was afraid I wouldn’t have enough to make it though the day if God just gave me my daily bread. You know I’m not talking about literal bread, right?

I knew that I was being ridiculous when it came down to it. I was telling the God who owns “the cattle on a thousand hills” that I didn’t think he was going to provide enough grace to make it through a couple of hours of nursing and changing diapers. Didn’t I remember that my God is bigger than that? I forget so quickly.

Another reason I was feeling like I was at the end of my rope is that my sleep hasn’t been very good lately. Aside from the not getting more than 2 hours of sleep in a row, ever, I’ve had a really hard time falling asleep and when I do sleep, I’ve been having nightmares almost every night. I used to have nightmares throughout college and for a couple of years after. They got a lot better for the last few years but cropped up again after Liam was born. Maybe its just the extra concern I have now that I’m responsible for this child, I don’t know.

My mom called twice yesterday and I just happened to be crying both times- ha! I ended up going over to their house in the afternoon and had a nice time, eating strawberries and laying on the couch while she sopped up Liam with a biscuit. She prayed with me about the sleep, the nightmares, my family’s future and a whole lot more. I even prayed, too. I haven’t prayed out loud much lately and there is something powerful when you say some things out loud. I left her house feeling so much better. I was full from my daily bread.

1 comment:

Autumn said...

Oh, I remember those days with my girls. I'm so sorry you're having trouble sleeping. And it is very easy to forget how mighty our God is. I know you know this, but He WILL give you what you need. Even if at the end of the day, you don't feel like you did enough. You made it through another day with an infant which is a pretty difficult job! I'll be praying for your sleep that even the short hours will leave you feeling refreshed and energized. You have a beautiful family and while it's hard to believe it right now, he will sleep through the night one of these days! Love you Courtney!