Friday, May 31, 2013


I haven't been this worn out in a very long time. I worked 92 hours a week one summer in San Francisco and lived in an abandoned school building. Hardest summer of my life. That's kind of how I feel right now.

Brody was sick for almost two weeks. He woke up every 2 hours at night, wanting to be held and nursed. So I would hold him and nurse him, because he was sick and miserable and it was the only thing that comforted him. About 5 minutes after Brody got better, Liam got a cold. Runny nose, cough, just doesn't feel good. I got back injections last week, and I'm hopeful they will help heal my back, but right now it just HURTS. When I bend over to pick up Brody, it feels like it might just snap. And, I got two moles removed on Wednesday. They were small and only needed one stitch each, but they hurt. After I put Brody down last night, I just laid on our bedroom floor, crying. Spent.

Sometimes, when things are tough with the kids, going to work is like a vacation. No one pulling on me, crying in my face, I don't have to wipe anyone else's nose or bottom. But lately I've just felt divided. Like I'm only half myself at work, missing my boys so much. And when I get home, I'm so worn out from trying to cram in everything that needs to be done, that I'm exhausted and just want the kids to sit and play quietly... which hasn't happened yet! I end up answering work emails while I'm nursing and replying to texts while pushing the swing. I usually have a rule where I don't do any work while I'm with my kids so I can be present. I like that rule and it works well. But there wasn't any Mother's Day Out this week and I had to juggle my work and kids. That's the beauty of my job, it's so very flexible and I'm so thankful to work somewhere where I can walk down the hall and feed Brody, where I can take my kids to the doctor when they're sick. I have so much to be thankful for every day. But today I'm tired.

I wanted to have an upswing to the end of this post. How God showed me something beautiful and changed my life through this time of being tired. Nope. Not today. Maybe tomorrow. Today I'm just tired.


Nessa said...

Oh Mama. You poor thing! I TOTALLY feel for you. I know it'll get better but right now it never seems like it. Know that you are loved, cherished and the light of those boys' and your family's (& if I know you, your work family too!) life and that you can do this. I'm sending you waves of good Karma and I am sure others are too. Hang in there, Chica, it's gonna get better!

Heather said...

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